Year 9 was the start of a new beginning for me! Mum decided that regardless of the longevity of my ‘faux dm’s’, it was high time I got a new pair of shoes! “Ahh, Ahh should she be wearing the same shoe for the whole of her schooling?” Mum protested to Dad, with a smile. My coat was on and my sister and I were too close to the front door to turn back now. We better be going, I thought, knowing that I had to leave the decision in the ‘hands of fate’. I smiled with my lips sucked in, hoping that my mum wouldn’t succumb to dad’s sensible reasoning about shoes right at this moment. My mum was searching diligently inside her handbag, looking for her car keys. “Weh”, dad said “remember to get the yam from the market”, as he disappeared into the kitchen. We. Were. Going As the front door shut behind us, I let out a real big grin WOOP! Woop! We scrambled into Mum’s reddy, orange, sun scorched Volvo 300 series – we were finally on our way to our trusted East Street market.
The shoes I’d choose this time round, were going to set me up for sure, I thought to myself. I could barely stay still during our journey, we’d hardly left East Dulwich and I already wished that we were inside the shoe shop. I was hoping that we would go into Ravel’s, not just our regular Shoe Express. Patent, tasselled, loafers that’s what I was aiming for, literally everyone was wearing them. I almost let out a squeal imagining the look on the ‘girl dems’ face, as I too rocked the trend. They will certainly not make me go to the tuck shop in them, no way. I would be almost in a tug – o – war (me being the rope of course), pulled in both directions by the two most dominant inhabitants in our tutor group.- the lip gloss, baby hair gelled, tight bun girls or the Dr.Marten’s and kicker wearing , red nailed, bleached hair girls. Well either way, they better not, while fighting over me to join their cliques, end up stepping on my new shoes – anyway I’d be making my own decisions from now on. Hmmmmm, now I’d have to be strategic about parting from the ‘nice girls’ I will not be forgetting them, I’ll be sure to say hello to every- “Right, come on, come on, let’s be quick”. Mum said, interrupting my thoughts.
We. Were. Here.
Goodness, I thought, why did mum park so far from the high street. Mum made it clear we were buying more than just my beloved shoes and I had an uncomfy feeling that we would not be going to my beloved Ravels. After getting all the essentials; spinach, bell peppers, yam, plantain, scotch bonnets, onions and anything else that would make the delicious Nigerian stew, we were ready to “be quick with the shoes you people are picking”. So the trip had clearly not gone how I’d imagined, but nevertheless with Shabba Ranks booming in the background, I booped ever so slightly (with sweet relief) as we walked directly past Shoe Express and into an independent shoe shop. It had EVERYTHING – styles and brands as far as the eye could see! “Is it the kickers you’re after, love?” The tall, friendly looking, shop owner with dark grey hair and a thinning top asked us, in his rich cockney accent. “Ahh nooo that’s the expensive one”, mum quickly replied. My twin and I caught each other’s eyes – so close, yet so far we both thought. Mum instructed us where to look. With serious intention, I intently inspected each shoe on the dark wooden shelves, against the slightly off white walls.
I. Saw.Them.
Not patent and not with any tassels, but slim and slightly almond toe, 2 cm block heel, black … loafers with a high shine finish. “Them ones, in size 4 or 7 only”, the shop owner said. He got me my size four and as I slipped my fluorescent, bitty pink socks into the dark beige sole, I knew we were leaving with them. We even managed to get a discount because they were the last pair. It was simply meant to be. I can’t lie, I felt like I’d ‘arrived’. To complete the look, I also got new cotton navy tights, a longline, black puffer jacket and a navy blue Giorgio cross body bag. I.Was.Set. While I walked up the stairs to my tutor group, geared for the new academic year. I thought about the fact that I would no longer be sitting in my old seat, a new beginning was here for me. I was slightly sweaty in my coat as we were still simmering down from a fairly hot August. But nothing was going to stop me! “I like your coat”, a few classmates chorused as I made my entrance. September 97 was going to be DIFFERENT although no one had even bothered to comment on my shoes! I was back in –
My.Old.Seat. (sigh)
So much for the grand change, I thought with frustration. Meanwhile, our tutor was telling us that a new student for Montserrat would be starting with us later that morning. The new girl walked in with mid-length box braids and super gelled baby hairs with a warm smile. Our tutor scanned the classroom with pursed lips, looking for who she would ask to move (and who would actually move), so that the new girl wouldn’t have to sit at a desk on her own. Miss eventually stopped at my desk. My friend was asked to move (easy target) and the new girl was put next to me. We had double English with our tutor and I knew that by the time the buzzer went for a break I’d made a new friend and we were not going to the tuck shop for anyone but ourselves. The change did not stop there. Over the weekend my twin saw one of the top girls getting fairly cozy with a boy who used to go to our primary school. “Ask her, if she goes out with him on Monday”, my twin sister ordered me. “Why?” I whined and protested over and over again. How on Earth was I going to ask someone that I’d never even spoken to, ever, about their love life? “It’s different, if I at least said hello to her before”, I moaned, welp! My sister wasn’t having any of it. Now in my new English literature class, I had two tables of what I considered the ‘top of the food chain’ girls and I wasn’t with anyone I knew or anyone that I could call a ‘friend’.
So.It.Began…
I went into my lesson on Monday with my heart racing, almost deciding at once that I was not going to ask the girl anything and simply make up an answer, I mean what difference would it make to my twin anyway? “I like your jacket”, she said. “Oh thank you”, I said happily, and before I could stop myself I told her everything that my twin sister had seen. I kid you not, she made me sit near her so we could talk more and 20 years later, we are still friends! I had two new besties, got caught up in some mischief, sometimes answered questions in lessons without fear, started writing rap lyrics and jamming in the music room at lunchtime with more people. My friendship groups had completely changed. I was never asked or went to the tuck shop for anyone against my will, again. I found my place, my voice and I was 100% comfy with it, because I was completely me. I’ll spare you the details about playing pirate radio, tapped songs on the Panasonic tape recorder down the school hallway or becoming cool friends at the 6th former, a guy …well not just me all our little group too or wearing black lip liner like Lauren Hill lol. But just know a 180-degree change had come and I would not let go of my… loafers. I polished them with blue magic hair grease and got super glue from DT (design tech) to stick the splitting soles back together.
You can see that as a child I thought as a child. I thought that looking like other people would make me not only acceptable, but valued and enable me to be myself. But my new shoes and jacket did not open my mouth or change my mind or give me a new character. I won’t lie, it made me feel good and made me feel a bit more confident. But determination, started change. As a teen I associated acceptance with the external only. There are some situations, where you can really be determined for change, you can get set for change, you’re on your journey, but everything looks the same – don’t let that stop you from reaching your goal and your visions. Don’t let your current situation determine your tomorrow, take one step at a time. No matter how small or big a situation is – change starts internally. Before you see the external manifestation of a thing there is some work being done in the background. It’s just a matter of time before externally things will start to be and look and feel and be different.
Change didn’t come after I got my shoes, coat, or bag! I was already determined in my heart that I was going into that new academic year differently, so all the other added things might have helped a little in terms of how I felt – but they did not transform my mind. That was an internal thing that happened, a decision.
Change.Came.Eventually.
